JEWISH SINGLES & DATING SERVICES IN THE NEWS

Your dating pool at Purim
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Purim is one of the most joyous celebrations of the Jewish year. With so much socializing going on, there are plenty of opportunities to meet someone. Following these tips, you might meet Mr. or Ms. Right at the Purim Festival-or anywhere else people meet.

1. Be proactive. Take charge of meeting your special someone. Shoshanna Rikon, CEO, of Shoshanna's Matches suggests following the advice in this quote from Song of Songs: "I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go." Says Rikon: "I really like this quote. The woman in this song is the initiator. It shows that today's woman needs to be proactive in pursuing her soul mate, that it's OK for the woman to be the pursuer!"
Tip: Just because you're making the first move doesn't mean you have to have a cheesy opening line. Just walk up to the guy and say something like, "I always enjoy Purim, don't you?" Almost anything simple like that will get a conversation started. And if he doesn't work at his end of the conversation, move on to someone who will.

2. Gauge your prospect's interest level. "There's nothing more demoralizing than hitting on someone who's so not into you," says Al Cohen of Charlotte, NC. "Don't approach unless he or she has been checking you out by smiling at you or making eye contact. It'll just be a waste of time."
Tip: If you begin talking and the other person leans toward you, is attentive and asks questions, you've been given the green light to proceed chatting and possibly ask this person out.

3. Seal the deal. "I hate it when guys say, 'We should get together sometime,'" says Gayle Kauffman of Denver, CO. "If you want to go out, make specific plans-or at least suggest a day or an activity. Otherwise, I figure you're just chatting me up."
Tip: Say something like: "I'm free Tuesday. Would you like to grab drinks after work?" or "I'm going to a book reading Sunday afternoon. Care to join me?"

4. Teach a class. "That's a great way to meet kids and their families, some of whom will have single parents, right?" asks Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of MANifesting Mr. Right: It's Never Too Late to Find the Love You Want. "Get involved in some way to become part of the community so that you have that many more Jewish mothers working to find you a good partner."
Tip: Don't want to teach a class? Take one. What better way to meet people who are interested in the same things you are? Plus, you might learn something. And intelligence is very sexy.

5. Play with the kids. Men, this tip's for you. "Nothing's cuter than a guy helping little kids," says Tori Belzer of Washington, D.C. "It's also a great way to meet girls like me who volunteer in the nursery or for kids' activities at festivals."
Tip: Watching how your potential date interacts with kids might give you some insight into how they'll treat you. If you see impatience, a command-and-control attitude or indifference, that's a solid sign to pitch your woo in the opposite direction.

6. Expand your network. Don't focus only on meeting Mr. or Ms. Right, advises Michael Nussbaum of Los Angeles, CA. "My mother introduced me to the daughter of a friend of hers at temple. There were no sparks, but we decided to hang out some. She ended up introducing me to a colleague, and we've been dating for a month."
Tip: Be honest with people you meet about wanting to find someone datable. Don't be afraid to enlist the help of your friends, colleagues, family members and fellow worshippers. Someone may very well know someone who's right for you.

Taking advantage of any and every opportunity to meet your match is the best way to make sure it actually happens. And along the way, you'll have some fun, make some new friends and expand your horizons. What's not to like?

Love lessons for the faithful
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Most observant folks know their religious texts pretty well and draw lessons from them regularly. But how many look to these spiritual tomes for lessons in love? We asked a panel of clergy people and others to share their favorite love lessons just in time for Valentine's Day.

Forgiveness: "The relationships in the Bible are fraught with the human frailties that we each carry with us into any relationship we enter," says minister Boo Tyson, executive director of the MAINstream Coalition in Prairie Village, KS. "So, perhaps the lesson that love and forgiveness are connected - flip sides of the same coin, maybe - is among the greatest love lessons a dater can learn from the Bible."

Inner beauty: Shoshanna Rikon, a New York matchmaker, says there's a valuable lesson in this passage: Strength and dignity are her clothing; and she laugheth at the time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and the law of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:25. "What can daters learn from this? It's not what you wear or how you look on the outside. It is what resides inside your heart and soul and how you become a light unto the world."

Ethical sexuality: "The Song of Songs is the story of two beautiful (and probably unmarried) lovers in a beautiful garden," explains Rev. Debra Haffner, director of The Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice and Healing in Norwalk, CT. "Their love for each other is mutual and equal-their passion and desire for each other is mutual and fulfilled. The hallmarks of the relationship in The Song are the hallmarks of an ethical sexual relationship-it expresses love, justice, mutuality, commitment, consent and pleasure. So should yours."

Your true self: Vici Derrick, senior minister at the Joy Cathedral in Seattle, WA, likes the story of Samson and Delilah from Judges 16. "Samson was a man of superhuman strength," she relates. "His enemies sent a woman named Delilah to find out his secret. Samson was so taken with her beauty he allowed himself to give his power away. Delilah pretended to care about him in order to find out the source of his strength. The story reminds me of what Chris Rock said about the beginning of relationships when we don't know whether we are dating the real person or his or her representative. The danger in not knowing the real person or being a real person is that we give our power away. When we abdicate our feelings in an effort to please someone, when we hold back and hide for fear we will not be accepted, we are giving our power away. When we pretend to be other than who we are, we are giving our power away. The power we are giving away is the power to know that we are accepted and loved for who we are. It is ultimately the power to love, trust and be loved and trusted that we give away."

Support: Genesis 24:10 holds important clues to finding an appropriate mate. "Isaac could not log onto Match.com, but his father knew that involving a third party (Eliezer) to search high and low for a perfect match was the way to go," says Rabbi Yitzchak Rosenbaum, associate director of the National Jewish Outreach Program. The match was to be based on inner qualities such as kindness, intelligence and sensitivity. "It is important to note that even for a great biblical love story, there was a matchmaker-a means of helping identify the core attributes that would allow for chemistry to blossom into a relationship. Eliezer was perhaps a precursor to online dating!"

See the signs: Interestingly, that same Biblical passage resonated with another person we spoke to: Jim Veihdeffer, dating advice columnist for The Tatum [Arizona] Sun Times newspaper, likes the same story for different reasons. While I stand here at the spring, if I say to a young woman who comes out to draw water, Please give me a little water from your jug, and she answers, Not only may you have a drink, but I will give water to your camels, too-let her be the woman whom the LORD has decided upon for my master's son. "The lesson to be learned is that there is someone for everyone and that person is often found in an unexpected place, by unexpected means. Although Abraham's servant was on a quest, it's not clear that Isaac himself was. So the lesson there is that you find someone when you're not looking. A third lesson is that one should try to treat all people with kindness without thought of gain. It is just those encounters that can prove most rewarding."

Keeping these stories in mind will help guide you as you date. But, adds Tyson, "I think the most important love lessons from the Bible are those that make you a good person to date and, ultimately, a good person with whom to partner."

The art of the pickup
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Summer means a vacation-time feeling. There's more daylight (the easier to see you with, my dear), more night life (the easier to meet you with, my dear) and everyone's hot to trot (the easier-well, you know). Now, if you're returning to the dating scene and feel as if you don't know how to mix and mingle anymore, let us tell you how to shake off the dust, shake your booty and seek out love among the beach umbrellas.

"What is really required is an attitude adjustment," says Shoshanna Rikon, a professional matchmaker. "Get out of your home and start enlarging your social circle." Rikon suggests getting started by making a list of your interests and setting social goals. "Single men and women need to treat their social lives with the same type of excitement and passion that they put toward their jobs," she urges. "Once you have a social to-do list or a plan of action, it is much easier to be proactive."

Another tip: Assemble a group of friends who share similar interests. "That way," Rikon explains, "you will always have a wing-man or wing-woman to help accompany you to fun events where you will invariably run into other singles."

Now it's time to get busy making contact.

Don't fear the turn-down. Nobody likes getting shut down, but you have to get over your fear and go for the ask. "The key to success in social situations is to be confident in who you are and what you are about," Rikon notes. So give yourself constant affirmation. "Remind yourself of why you are special and loved by others." That said, men take note: "Don't act too cocky or arrogant," says Delilah McGinnis of Denver. "That's the best way to turn a woman off."

Smile. Ask your friends to check out your facial expressions next time you're on the prowl. You might be surprised to learn you're not smiling. "People only approach people who're smiling," says Jill Spiegel, flirting expert, author and host of The Jill Spiegel Show. "It's a great way to start a connection." Practice your smile at home so it looks natural. "Nothing's worse than a Cheshire Cat grin or a slightly sketchy smile," says Tom Barnes of Phoenix. "It makes you wonder if there's something wrong with them."

Get out there. Instead of watching the game at home or with your buddies, go to a local sports bar. Attend gallery openings. Go to readings. Join a health club. "You can start a conversation so easily with things you have in common," Spiegel notes. "So turn to the person next to you and ask a question." Here's an example: 'Did you see that play, that was incredible!'" or "How many of his books have you read?" or "Would you spot me on the bench press?" (One note if you're doing your mingling at a sports bar: "If I'm really into the game, I don't want to chit-chat, even with a hot girl," admits Mike Juliano of Chicago. "Wait till a commercial break or join me in cheering after a great play.")

Tell the truth. Cute come-ons not your thing? Don't worry. "The most effective line is an honest introduction, like 'Hi, my name is David. What's yours?'" says Zannah Hackett, author of The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking. Then find something that genuinely stands out about the other person. "People appreciate real conversation about real obvious details." Need a specific example? "A guy once told me I had lovely hands," recalls Suzette Baker of Nashville. "It was such a unique compliment that he definitely got my attention-and my phone number." And just remember, "A clever cliché or dishonest remark leaves people feeling like they've just been slimed," says Baker. "Not a good thing for making a positive impression."

So summon up your courage, put on your game face and get out there! You might just find that your next game of beach blanket bingo nets the ultimate prize: True love.

A guy once tried to pick up Carrboro, NC-based writer Margot Carmichael Lester by holding up a black lace undergarment and asking, "Is this yours?" His overture was rebuffed.